Satellite Mind
by doopdoop2
Summary: "Todoroki wished he could be be a ghost, roaming freely through the building - or, no, the building itself, listening in on Midoriya at all times, protecting him. Or, better, something Midoriya carried with him - his phone, maybe. Or something he used every day. His bed..." -Todoroki's got it bad.


Todoroki had not thought of the feeling as love when he suggested that he and Midoriya should live together. He had only known that he was lonely when alone, but the number of people he'd be willing to live with could be counted on one hand - and that of them, Midoriya was the best.

When Todoroki brought up sharing an apartment, Midoriya had laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck with one scarred hand. "I'm sure you could get a nicer place without me!" he'd said. "I can't pay for half of a very large apartment, not yet."

"Money is no object. If you wish, you can pick out a place and I will cover the funds."

That had been the wrong thing to say, at least to judge by the look of wide-eyed shock on Midoriya's face. "No, no," he'd said, waving his hands palm-out in front of him. "You don't have to cover my half! Seriously!"

Todoroki frowned at that and gave it a moment's thought before trying again. "Then… I don't care about the quality of the apartment," he said. "Pick something within your budget, and I'll pay for half. If you want to live with me, that is."

"Of course I do!" Midoriya said quickly. "It's just that-"

"Then, Midoriya," Todoroki said, "don't worry. It's fine."

And that had saved him. Midoriya had nodded, and they'd picked out a place together - Midoriya doing most of the decision-making by himself, because Todoroki had never given much thought to things like location or amenities. They'd finally settled on a two-bed one-bath not far from where Midoriya's mother lived. It had a decent view of the city, and there was even a little park across the street - they could look out at almost any time of day and see people walking their dogs and children playing tag in the grassy lot below. Midoriya liked the place immediately, and Todoroki liked it because Midoriya liked it.

Maybe things like that should have been a hint, but even after moving in it took Todoroki a while to understand. They went furniture shopping together, and Midoriya picked out what he liked, and Todoroki liked it because Midoriya did. They had a little moving-in party with all their U.A. friends, and Todoroki sat in the corner, sometimes small-talking, but mostly just nursing a drink and watching Midoriya smile and laugh. Had he been asked, Todoroki would have said in complete honesty that he'd enjoyed himself: Midoriya had had fun, after all.

Todoroki did not learn of the double-edgedness of this arrangement until several weeks after they became roommates, because Midoriya kept on a happy face much of the time. Partially it was just his personality, but part of it was something else - a facade, a fear of showing the negative side of himself. Which was silly: they'd spent three years together at U.A., had fought villains together and struggled through finals together, had saved each others' lives multiple times. Two people couldn't get much closer than that; it wasn't as if Todoroki was about to change his opinion of Midoriya now. But Todoroki understood Midoriya's hesitancy to show negative emotions, because he felt the same thing. When Midoriya burned popcorn and the apartment reeked for the rest of the night, Todoroki didn't even open his mouth. When Todoroki got home from a hard day at work hating every one of his coworkers, he didn't vent his frustrations aloud, just smiled and said fine when asked how his day was. When Midoriya put his dry clean-only clothes through the wash, Todoroki said nothing, just moved on. There was a distance between them, a wall of politeness both were afraid to crack.

Todoroki knew the exact day when that changed. He'd come home from work a little early and was using his phone to browse nearby restaurants. He and Midoriya were both usually too tired after work to cook anything more labor-intensive than the most basic of dishes, but Todoroki found himself wanting something a little more than that this particular night. They'd figure out the specifics when Midoriya got home.

Todoroki waited, stomach rumbling. Finally, when it was nearly 9, he reheated some leftovers and checked his phone for the thousandth time, wondering what in the world was keeping Midoriya. He turned on the local news and scrolled through articles on his phone, but there was nothing about Midoriya or his agency being involved in anything - if anything, it seemed like a light day for villain attacks and crime, as far as Todoroki could tell. He tried to tell himself it was probably just paperwork, but still found himself unable to focus.

Midoriya did not come home until after 10. Todoroki heard him digging in his pocket for his keys, and rushed to open the door. But Midoriya had been leaning against it, and practically toppled into Todoroki's arms.

"Sorry, sorry," Midoriya said. "I only just saw your texts. I should've said something. I got caught up in things at work."

He'd changed back into civilian clothes, so it was hard to see how severely he was injured - but Todoroki could see the careful way he held himself, and how slow his steps were, and knew something was wrong.

"What happened?" Todoroki asked. Then, realizing how late it was, he added, "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah," Midoriya admitted, as if it was embarrassing somehow. "Really hungry."

"Let me reheat some leftovers for you. I'm sorry there isn't anything more. I didn't cook today."

Midoriya's normal reaction when Todoroki tried to do things for him was to protest, but this time, he didn't even open his mouth - he just slumped into a chair at the kitchen table and put his head in his hands. Todoroki hurried to get the food ready, then as an afterthought grabbed a glass of water as well, which Midoriya drained most of immediately.

Midoriya ate like someone starved. Todoroki sat there and watched him. When Midoriya was nearly done Todoroki realized he might still be hungry, and rose to reheat more food without being prompted. Midoriya didn't even thank him, just continued eating. Then, finally, when he was done, he heaved a sigh and slumped forward, elbow on table, forehead on palm.

"It was a hard day," he said. "For a stupid reason."

Todoroki waited.

"We had that youth outreach thing, where we visit the schools and talk to the kids. And it went great," Midoriya added quickly. "The kids were great. It was a lot of fun."

Todoroki nodded. "But."

"Yeah. But." Midoriya took another long drink of water, then sighed again. "The agency's van was hit by another car. Just out of nowhere. Not a villain, not an attack. Just a car accident."

"Oh," Todoroki said, feeling a flutter in his heart, because he hadn't even thought of that, ever, as a possibility - that Midoriya might die in a mundane way like that. He frowned, not liking the idea at all.

"I know," Midoriya said, misunderstanding his expression. "It's stupid, isn't it?"

"Did you get hurt?"

"We all did," he said. "Some of the others only got whiplash, but Yamada and I were on the side that was hit the worst." Yamada - their agency's healer. Todoroki felt a chill. "She broke her arm and got a concussion, and I broke my leg."

"Which one?"

"My right," Midoriya said, leaning down to rub his thigh. "And of course she couldn't heal me then, she was hurt really badly - and she can't heal herself, so we were rushed to the hospital. They called in another healer, but it took a long time."

"It's fixed now?"

"It's not broken anymore. But it _ hurts_," Midoriya said, and Todoroki heard the catch in his voice, the threat of tears. "This time, breaking a bone felt worse than it used to. It's been so long, I forgot what it felt like."

"And it's never been your legs before," Todoroki murmured.

"No." Midoriya's face was all scrunched up; it looked as if he might start crying. "I mean, at least I've got a couple of days off. We all got pretty banged up."

"You should get to bed," Todoroki said. He wasn't good at being nurturing, but he at least understood what one should do in a situation like this.

"I want to take a bath first," Midoriya said. His voice was low, breathy; he was exhausted. "I'm bloody."

"Oh." Todoroki wondered how bad the break had been, exactly - whether the blood was Midoriya's or a coworker's. "Do you want me to run the water for you?"

Midoriya looked at him a little funny; Todoroki couldn't exactly interpret it. It might have been surprise, but before Todoroki could worry he'd gone too far, Midoriya nodded. "That would be wonderful."

Todoroki tried to mind his own business, but kept finding himself stopping by the bathroom door every few minutes to listen for a sound, proof that Midoriya hadn't fallen asleep. The idea that Midoriya should _ drown in the bathtub _ was a stupid, idiotic fear, but Todoroki couldn't stop it from clawing at him anyways. When he heard the tub drain he went back to his room at last, stupidly relieved.

From that day onwards, Midoriya visibly dropped his guard around Todoroki. He'd do all sorts of things he hadn't done before: complain about his coworkers, show off the bruises he'd gotten at work, whine when there was no good food in the house. And maybe it was seeing this side of him - a side that wasn't relentlessly positive - that made Todoroki's fondness grow. It was around this time Todoroki realized, for the first time, what he really felt for Midoriya.

Todoroki became hyper-aware of him whenever they were together. The same focus Todoroki's mind usually reserved for enemies in battle, it now turned onto Midoriya - when they spoke, Todoroki unthinkingly tracked the movement of his hands and the expressions on his face, and whenever they were both in the apartment, Todoroki seemed to always know exactly where Midoriya was, what he was doing. Midoriya didn't hide anything; he always seemed to leave his bedroom door open, even at night, and didn't mind when Todoroki peeked in during the day to say hello.

One evening Midoriya came home from work and showered, as normal. Then he spent twenty minutes standing outside of his closet, staring at his clothing. Todoroki approached him and looked over his shoulder, wondering if something was wrong.

"Oh, hi," Midoriya said, laughing and rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. He was nervous, Todoroki realized. "You surprised me!"

"What are you doing?"

"Picking out an outfit," Midoriya said, turning back to face his clothes again. He paused. "I'm getting dinner with Kacchan tonight."

"Oh," Todoroki said, even more confused. Midoriya and Bakugou weren't on bad terms anymore, but they weren't exactly friends either. Todoroki couldn't recall the two of them either hanging out together alone like that. "Just the two of you?"

"Yeah. He's - he's moving away." Midoriya said the last part quietly. "Please keep it a secret. He hasn't told anyone yet. He doesn't want people making a big deal out of it."

"I won't tell anyone," Todoroki said. Then, realizing that Midoriya seemed to want to talk to him about it, he asked, "Where is he moving to?"

"America," Midoriya said, laughing as if in disbelief. "Can you believe it? I know he'll do great, though. His English is so good - and he got a job at a really famous American hero agency. It'd be dumb to pass up." He paused. "That's what he told me, anyways."

Todoroki felt a small twinge of secondhand sadness - Midoriya was obviously affected by the news, after all - but the truth was he did not care all that much. Bakugou could do what he wanted with his life. They didn't see each other nearly enough for Todoroki to truly miss him, although, admittedly, group events would be less interesting without him there.

Once Midoriya left for the restaurant, Todoroki realized how different it felt knowing Midoriya was alone with someone (with _ Bakugou), _compared to knowing Midoriya was out with a group. It felt… strange. Todoroki couldn't stop thinking about them - wondering what they were doing, whether if they were still at the restaurant or if Midoriya was on his way home or if perhaps they'd gone to Bakugou's place afterwards. Todoroki could easily imagine how Midoriya would behave amongst their mutual friends - he'd seen him in group situations many, many times - but he had no idea how Midoriya acted when one-on-one with someone else. And Todoroki wanted to know everything there was to know about Midoriya, including that. He itched with curiosity.

He was sitting in his room with the door open just a crack, trying and failing to find something to distract himself, when the front door opened. Todoroki could tell from the sound of the footsteps that Midoriya was not alone. He heard them sit down in the living room, then begin to speak, their voices low and indistinct.

Todoroki could make out none of it, not even the tone. He wished he had a Quirk like Jirou's or Hagakure's - something that would let him listen without being observed or sneak closer without being seen. If not that, Todoroki wished he could be be a ghost, roaming freely through the building - or, no, the building itself, listening in on Midoriya at all times, protecting him. Or, better, something Midoriya carried with him - his phone, maybe. Or something he used every day. His bed-

Todoroki was caught up in this bizarre train of thought when he realized there were no longer voices in the living room. He heard the sound of more footsteps; the others went into Midoriya's bedroom. Todoroki heard the door click shut, then utter silence: his room was not adjacent to Midoriya's, meaning he couldn't observe them at all.

Todoroki sat staring at his hands, wondering why exactly this felt so bad, this sensation of being cut off from Midoriya - of having him so close physically, but in reality worlds away. He knew the feelings were ridiculous. It wasn't even like Midoriya was _ mad _at him; Todoroki wasn't actually shut out for more than a few hours, and Midoriya was absolutely entitled to privacy. He knew it was silly to feel the way he did, although that didn't make it go away any faster.

Suddenly Todoroki grew restless. He went to the bathroom, more just to stretch his legs than out of any real need to use it. As soon as the door clicked shut, he froze.

The bathroom shared a wall with Midoriya's bedroom, and now Todoroki could hear them. There was a deep, rhythmic grunting, and, layered on top of that, a higher-pitched moan.

No. No way.

_ No way. _

But it had to be. Todoroki's _ body _ knew what it was; it took only a few seconds for him to get terribly, almost painfully hard. He was listening to Midoriya have sex. Oh God, oh God, what was he doing? _ Why wasn't he leaving? _

He _ couldn't _ leave; his legs wouldn't move. But his hand would. He pulled his pants down and took hold of himself, almost gasping at how sensitive he was, how hard he'd gotten so quickly - like all the blood in his body had rushed there. He bit down on the back of his left hand to muffle any noises he might make and jacked off with his right, listening to the sounds that came through the wall with almost vivid clarity. Todoroki had watched porn, but even the most graphic of videos felt like _ nothing _ compared to this. He felt absolutely filthy. It was much more vivid to know there were real people - no, not just people, _ Midoriya and Bakugou _\- actually having sex not two meters away from where he now stood.

He came into the toilet, then pulled up his pants and steadied himself on the sink. They were still going at it, but as he listening he heard it come to a climax - the higher-pitched cry got louder and Todoroki actually made out a strangled "Kacchan" before it all went silent.

A minute later someone jiggled the bathroom door handle.

"Sorry, just a sec," Todoroki said, flushing the toilet. "Be right out."

He passed Bakugou as he left. Neither of them said anything, and Todoroki was too embarrassed to even meet his eyes. He wondered if Bakugou suspected anything.

By the time Bakugou left, it was late enough for Todoroki to feasibly pretend to be asleep. He lay in bed with the lights off, staring at the ceiling and hating himself, but also wishing he'd recorded the sound - wishing he could play that blissed-out cry in his head with full clarity over and over again. He could still hear it in his head - _ Kacchan… _

Todoroki was surprised how little the idea of Bakugou and Midoriya fucking actually bothered him. He _ was _ jealous - it was impossible not to be - but Todoroki didn't feel any anger, didn't have any hard feelings towards Bakugou. He wished more than ever that he'd been in the corner of the room, hidden, watching. What did Midoriya look like when he came? Who had topped? Did Midoriya like it fast or slow, hard or gentle? Did they do foreplay or just jump into it? With the limited material he'd been given Todoroki could - and did - imagine it a dozen different ways.

And even as he imagined it, during and especially just after masturbating, Todoroki realized how _ rotten _ he was as a person, how twisted and awful. He was as bad as Mineta had been back in high school - no, worse, because Midoriya had trusted him enough to live with him, and Todoroki had betrayed that trust. And _ kept _betraying it, day after day, as he jerked off thinking of Midoriya, imagining watching him.

Todoroki tried act the same, but he knew it was a losing battle. He felt guilt pressing on him at all times. Only when he was wrapped up in work did he feel anywhere close to normal, but as soon as he was on the way home it would begin again; like getting tangled in a net, he found himself wrapped up in those thoughts, unable to get away. Arousal, guilt, shame. Repeat.

Midoriya noticed. Todoroki felt his questioning glances and knew he was holding himself back from asking. But, when a week or so later Todoroki was _ still _ acting like a freak, even Midoriya's saintlike patience wore thin. Just after dinner he looked at Todoroki with concern and said, "Why have you been acting strange lately? Did I do something wrong?"

Todoroki, mind blank, spoke without thinking:

"I heard you fuck through the wall."

Midoriya's mouth fell open. For a long moment, he merely gaped. "I'm so sorry!" he said, his face pure red. "Oh God! Todoroki! I'm so sorry!"

Todoroki shook his head. He didn't know how to say that he didn't mind, that he'd actually _ liked _it, without Midoriya realizing just how fucked up he was. After a moment he just said, "Don't worry about it."

"Now I know why you've been acting so strangely!" Midoriya said, speaking almost too quickly for Todoroki to make out the words. "I was really worrying about what I did, thinking I did something bad - not that this _ isn't _ something bad! I'm really sorry! I promise you it won't happen again, haha, of course it won't, Kacchan's in America after all - but I totally understand why it would change your opinion of me! Like, I can't even-"

"Are the two of you together?" Todoroki cut in.

"Huh? Me and Kacchan? No, he's in America! And I don't think we would be 'together' even if he was still here, like I don't even know if we would have, uh, if we would've done what we did the other day if he wasn't leaving - I haven't even seen him for ages and I just got really sentimental, it was just like old times, I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear about this-"

"It's fine," Todoroki said, thoughtful. "I guess I just assumed that if you had sex with someone, it meant you were dating them." Todoroki wasn't naive enough to think people didn't have casual sex, but he hadn't thought _ Midoriya _was the type. After all, this was the first person he'd brought back to their apartment, and it wasn't like he went out every night trying to get laid, either.

...No, Todoroki realized, it _ wasn't _casual sex. Nothing about Midoriya and Bakugou's relationship was casual. It was the culmination of a lifetime of waiting - it was years of tension released. An end to a chapter. Realizing that felt like sliding a puzzle piece into place. Todoroki noticed that Midoriya was staring at him, as if waiting for him to say something else, so he added, "I really don't mind you talking about it."

"Are you sure it doesn't bother you? You look…" Midoriya trailed off, his mouth twisted in concern.

"It really doesn't."

"Alright…" Midoriya looked as if he didn't actually believe him. "Well, uh… It's only eight. Do you want to watch a movie or something?"

* * *

Life returned to normal, but it also didn't, because Todoroki couldn't stop sexualizing Midoriya. His best friend and roommate, as well as the person he'd realized only recently he was head over heels for. And it fucking _ sucked, _ because, until this whole thing began, Todoroki had actually thought he was a mostly-good person, and this was throwing him for a loop.

The intrusive thoughts weren't all sexual, either, but they _ were _ physical. Todoroki was suddenly extremely aware of Midoriya not just as someone to talk to and be with and protect, but as someone to _ touch, _ someone who potentially _ liked _being touched and held and kissed and fucked. It was as if Todoroki's brain had not even allowed him this possibility until it was confronted head-on with proof it was true. Todoroki wanted to put Midoriya on his lap and feel his weight, and lie in a bed next to him, and stroke his hair, and taste his skin - feel him all over, know him in any way it was possible to know another human being.

It was probably best for him to move out, Todoroki decided. It was getting pitifully hard to focus on anything when at the apartment; he seemed to associate everything in it with Midoriya, and even when he was alone there his thoughts would stray and fixate on him. If he had paperwork to do, for example, he'd have to take it somewhere else if he wanted to do anything at all, but he'd just gaze at the idiots around him and wish he was home, and be in a sour mood until he returned.

It was bad for him, and it was bad for Midoriya, too. Midoriya did not deserve this. So Todoroki decided to just get things out in the open - to tell Midoriya his plan, and, if he was questioned, just tell the whole truth. It was easier that way. From the very first, Todoroki had found it impossible to hide from Midoriya, impossible to lie to him.

"Midoriya," he said, one morning - a day they both had off, so if it did go badly he could hide the rest of the day and not have to speak to anyone. "I think I should move out." Todoroki wondered if perhaps he should have phrased it more definitively - _ It's best if I move out _ or even _ I'm moving out, _period, but the words were already spoken, and there was no going back.

Midoriya's face turned white, and he leapt to his feet. "What?" he said. "Why? Did I do something wrong? Is it - is it because of that thing, with Kacch-"

"No," Todoroki said quickly, shaking his head, "no, really, it's not that." Well, maybe a little. "It's… personal."

"Are you moving in with someone else?"

"No, I have no idea where I'm moving. I haven't picked out a place." Then he remembered Midoriya's initial concerns about the apartment's cost, and added, "I can pay the fine for breaking the lease, if you need to move out. Or, if you prefer, I can pay my part of the rent until the lease is up. I don't mind."

"Tell me why you're leaving!" Midoriya said, his voice much louder than Todoroki had expected. "If it's not because of me, and it's not to move in with someone else… why?"

"Oh, it _ is _because of you, actually," Todoroki said, not realizing until Midoriya's eyes grew wide and teary how bad that had sounded. It had come out wrong - much harsher than Todoroki had intended.

He cleared his throat. _ Remember the plan. _ It was time to get things out in the open. "What I mean is… I'm in love with you and have been for a long time, but ever since you slept with Bakugou I've been thinking about you sexually as well."

Midoriya's mouth fell open, but he said nothing.

"It's getting to the point where it's impacting my day to day life," Todoroki continued. "At first my work performance was unaffected, but recently even that's suffering." _ Hmm, _ he thought, _ maybe I shouldn't focus so much on myself? _"I feel guilty about deceiving you and thinking about you in this way without your consent. Probably it's to both of our benefits if I see less of you."

"Excuse me," Midoriya said, his tone sharp, "can you go back to the part where you're _ in love with me _?"

Todoroki raised his eyebrows. "Yeah?"

"You didn't think to tell me or anything? How long were you going to keep that a secret?"

"As long as I could, honestly," Todoroki said, rubbing his jaw. "I mean-"

"You're an idiot," Midoriya said. "You're such an idiot!"

Todoroki stared, shocked into silence.

"You should have told me earlier! I've had a crush on you for ages!" Midoriya said. "But even after we became friends you always had this air of being distant and untouchable - I thought that if you felt anything towards me you would have told me, since you were so open about everything else-"

"Oh," Todoroki said. "You have a crush on me?"

Midoriya nodded furiously. Todoroki did not know how to react to this information. He had never imagined his daydreams as anything more than fantasies. He had not bothered to think of how to get from here to there, because he'd never thought this would be anything _ but _ fantasy. And now that Midoriya was standing in front of him, wild-eyed and furiously declaring his feelings, Todoroki felt a little lost. He'd already begun the mourning process - had already thought about how much moving out was going to hurt, how much he'd miss living with Midoriya. He wasn't sure how to adjust to _ this. _

"You're being serious right now, right?" Midoriya said. "I know you aren't the type to joke around about something like this, but I honestly can't believe it!"

"I am being serious," Todoroki said slowly. "Very, very serious."

"You, uh, you really feel that strongly for me?" Midoriya walked around the table to stand in front of Todoroki, who turned to face him. "That's…" He looked thoughtful. "Can you, um, tell me what you think about me? What do you like about me, exactly?"

Todoroki realized Midoriya was either fishing for compliments or testing to see if his feelings were real. Either way, Todoroki didn't mind; he actually appreciated the question. He should have started with this, should have gone about it as a confession instead of a moving-out notice.

"I love everything about you," Todoroki said. "I don't even know where to begin. I've loved you since before we moved in together, but living with you made me realize what my feelings actually were. It's - I just love _ everything _about you," he went on. Seeing the look on Midoriya's face - vulnerable, surprised, happy - made Todoroki want to talk forever, just to keep him looking that way, even though he knew he wasn't great with words, particularly not when feelings were involved. "I could name qualities about you that I love, but it would be everything. And I could name everything about you I find attractive, but it would just be everything, every body part, everything you do. The sound of your laugh, your-" He remembered Midoriya's voice mid-orgasm and shivered, then shook his head, trying to clear the thought. "Your - just - just everything-"

"It's alright," Midoriya said, taking a step closer. "Thank you. Todoroki, thank you." He reached out and put a hand on the side of Todoroki's face, the way one might do so to soothe a startled animal. His skin was warm against Todoroki's, rough and callused, and Todoroki leaned into the touch. "Todoroki, will you be my boyfriend?"

"Yes," Todoroki said, meaning it more than he'd meant anything in his life, wondering if Midoriya even knew what he was getting himself into with this. Midoriya had said "crush," but Todoroki knew his own feelings were stronger than that - like a wave, a tide, sucking him out to sea -

It surprised him when Midoriya leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Todoroki looked up, and Midoriya bent down a second time, this time to kiss his lips. Todoroki felt himself seize up, frozen at the realization that _ he was kissing Midoriya - _ he had to memorize everything, but also make it perfect, and it was too much, far too much. He couldn't move.

"Hey," Midoriya said, and the hand came back to Todoroki's cheek, thumb on his cheekbone. "You're overthinking it. That's _ my _ job."

Todoroki shut his eyes and nodded. "I am," he said. "It's…" _ Be honest, _ he reminded himself. So far telling the truth had not let him down. "It's overwhelming. I've thought about it for so long."

Midoriya was silent, and when Todoroki opened his eyes again he saw him looking down at him - his eyes full of understanding, his expression gentle and soft. It was those eyes Todoroki had fallen in love with first. They were large and expressive, and he'd had never seen anything as beautiful.

"Don't worry about it," Midoriya said, smiling. "There's no need to rush. We've got all the time in the world."

And when he leaned down to kiss Todoroki once more, Todoroki let the words sink in and relaxed against Midoriya's lips - made his brain be quiet, and simply let himself _ feel. _


End file.
